Loving After Abuse

Excerpt from “Loving Fairly After Abuse

Survivors of abusive relationships need to find ways to help themselves progress down the path of healing. In addition to professional counseling there are many resources available to those who need some help and direction down the road ahead. There are self help books, online forums, survivor groups and church organizations. Use your personal support system of friends and family to help you maintain a positive outlook.

Points to remember:

  • Love yourself first. Allow yourself the things you said you deserved when trying to get out of the abuse; Respect, kindness, peaceful thoughts, pleasure, happiness. Be proud of your accomplishments.
  • When remembering the past, find the positive in the fact you left it behind, do not create a negative environment by relating it to your future.
  • Stop the blame game. Any new relationship will be doomed from the start if you are still blaming yourself for falling victim to an abusive relationship. You cannot move forward as long as you continue to focus on the past and continue to inflict self punishment for any lapse in judgment, bad decision or mistakes you feel contributed to you being in an abusing relationship. It was not your fault. What’s done is done.
  • Love fairly. When entering into new relationships do not impose your abusers past behavior onto new relationships in your life. Allowing yourself to receive love and affection with no comparisons to past negatives is key in building a healthy, loving relationship. Remember, that was then, this is now. Your new partner deserves to be treated just as you desire to be treated. Build a partnership of mutual love, trust and respect.
  • Do not shut your loved ones out. Resist the urge to keep your walls up and your moat filled. Let your guard down, allow those who are genuine and kind to be there for you.
  • Forgiveness is key. Forgive yourself for any perception you have that you were to blame. Forgive your abuser for the pain and emotional damage inflicted upon you. You will never forget, but you can work towards forgiveness. Use that energy to focus on a positive. You cannot move forward or heal while harboring ill will, anger or resentment from the past. You must let it go.
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